Even on my worst day.

Today has been one of those days where you wonder how, as a Mother, you maintain a normal level of sanity day in and day out.  The boys were both especially whiny.  Stockton was extra rough with his baby brother and Logan just fussed and cried for no good reason.  Well, I am sure he had a reason, I just didnt know what the heck it was.  And to make matters worse, I was not in the best of moods.

Unrelated to the annoyances of the day, my cousin has been talking about coming to Idaho for a quick vacation. She called me today to talk about things to do here and dates that would be good to come and all of that fun stuff.  I don't know about you, but for some reason when I get on the phone it seems like all hell breaks loose and the boys think it is a red flag to run wild and do whatever they want.  This particular cousin has no shame admitting that she isn't a big fan of kids, in general, and has no desire to have children of her own.  After about the 3rd time yelling at Stockton to get off of his brother I joked that maybe she was on to something not having any kids.  After a few comments back and forth about the so called "joy" that comes with having children, we both agreed that is was good that she knew ahead of time that it was not something that she wanted to do, rather than regretting it after it was already too late.

I have been thinking about that brief part of our conversation all night.  I wish more women were smart enough to recognize that ahead of time, rather than just starting a family out of obligation, pressure, or stupidity.  After having children of my own, there are few things that make me more sad than thinking of children who aren't wanted, either before they were conceived or after they were born.  I seriously get sick to my stomach, want to throw up sad when I think about all the children who don't get the love and attention that they deserve because they aren't wanted.  I don't mean to say that if my cousin ever had children that she wouldn't be a great mother, or that she wouldn't love and want her children.  Our conversation merely reminded how much I WANT to be a Mother. How much I want to be Stockton and Logan's Mother.  Even on my worst day.

The End of an Era

I really can't believe it, but Stockton is growing up.  He may not be getting any bigger, but he is changing. And the more I realize it the sadder and sadder I get.  He is talking up a storm, picking up new words everyday and learning how to form 3-4 word sentences.  The most significant of these new words is "Tay" (Okay).  It first started when I would ask if he was OK and he would say "Tay", which has since turned into "I tay" (I'm Okay).  Then he started to use it to acknowledge something I say like, "Stockton, I am going to take a shower, I will be in the bathroom if you need me, OK?"  To which he would respond, "Tay".  And now for the development that makes me sad: he says "Tay" when he means "Yes".  For anyone who knows Stockton very well, knows about his "Yes" chuckle.  He has never actually spoken the word "yes".  Instead he would always just...I dont even know how to describe it other than a chuckle.  The replacement of this chuckle with the word "Tay" is for some reason very hard for me to accept.  Its almost like it means I am saying goodbye to Stockton the baby and hello to Stockton the little boy.  Or maybe I have already done that, his chuckle was just the last thing I was holding on to.  Either way, it makes this Mommy very sad.

His other most noteworthy new phrase is "No Way".  Everything the last couple days has been, "No Way."

  Stockton, let's get dressed.  No Way.

Stockton, are you ready for your nap?  No Way.

Stockton, let's bless the food.  No Way.

Stockton, do you want to take a bath?  No Way.

I am sure I will get tired of this one, but for now it's just cute.  And speaking of cute, his trademark phrase for the last month or so still makes my heart smile everytime I hear it, "Dee-Doo, Mommy."  (Thank you, Mommy)  EVERYTHING I do for him is followed up with a "Dee-Doo, Mommy".  Even when I put him in his bed, I get the sweetest "Dee-Doo, Mommy" you will ever hear.  I like to tell myself that is his way of saying, I Love You.  Even if its not, that's the message I get.  

The Woes of Motherhood

Everyday I am sure I think to myself, "If I didn't have kids, I could actually _________."  Normally the thought is finished with things like:

-"blow dry my hair and do my makeup without a baby trying to crawl up my legs and a toddler putting on blush and lips gloss"
-"enjoy not getting crumbs stuck to the bottom of my feet while walking through the kitchen"
-"start a task and finish it without getting interrupted 50 times"
-"sit down and eat a meal while it is still hot"
-"run errands without having to load and unload in the car 100 times, chase and entertain kids, and change poopy diapers in nasty bathrooms"

Lately, with the anticipation of the new X-Men movie and the final chapter of the Harry Potter saga reaching an all time high, all this thought is finished with is, "sit down and do nothing all day but have a movie marathon".  I can't even imagine being able to sit down and watch 7 Harry Potters back to back with no interruptions.  The mere thought of it is unfathomable to me.  Maybe if I start now I could squeeze in 4 X-Men movies before June 3 and another 7 Harry Potter's before mid-July.  It would take some hard work and dedication, but maybe, just maybe I could do it.  And if I am really lucky, I could maybe even find someone with enough passion as my friend, Bekah, to go to the midnight showings with me.  I can dream, can't I?

A good one

My sister just posted this on her blog and it really made me think about things. I thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy. :)

Vanderlinden Clan: present to past

Our first camping trip of the season

It wasn't the best weekend to have our first camping trip, it was cold and rainy the entire weekend until, of course, we started packing up to go home.  And did I mention that the only morning Troy DIDN'T go hunting was the morning he could have had a shot at a turkey?  Oh well, the weekend had its good moments.  Our niece and her boyfriend got engaged, YAY!  Congrats to Kevin & Marissa!  :)

Here are some pics from the weekend.

We did see a baby bear cub.  He wondered into our camp.  If you look very closely at this picture, you can see him.

The happy couple taking their engagement pictures. 

April Update

April has proved to be a pretty good month for us.  Here is the update:

Logan is getting cuter and more fun everyday.  He is so busy and into everything, but he is just so happy all the time that you can't help but fall in love with him every time you look at him. I wont be surprised if he is walking soon b/c he has mastered pulling himself up on anything he possibly can.  

He discovered that underneath his bed is a pretty fun place to play and crawls under any chance he gets.

Our beautiful niece, Chantal, got married to an awesome guy.  Thanks to some great friends, we were able to enjoy their classy and beautiful wedding kid-free.

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 While Troy and I were shakin' our booties on the dance floor, Stockton was enjoying some time with his best buds, Avery and Rhett.  I think these 3 are going to cause a good amount of trouble in their day.

...and Logan got his first lesson is cross dressing.  I am sorry Logan, I won't forget your jacket ever again.

 What we thought was going to be an uneventful Easter weekend actually turned out to be pretty jam-packed.  Stockton got to do an egg hunt Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  While no egg hunt could replace a day of hunting with his cousins, we had some good substitutions.  

On Friday, our neighborhood put on a little hunt.  It was nice for Stockton's first hunt because they had a small section reserved just for 1 and 2 year olds.  He was able to get the idea of what he was doing without having to fight older kids for eggs.  I didnt tell him there was candy in the eggs until AFTER the hunt was over.  Otherwise, he wouldnt have gotten too far.

On Saturday, we did another little hunt with Stockton's friend, Avery.  She is just the sweetest little girl.  I hope Stockton grows a little so she will want to stay his girlfriend.  No girl wants a boyfriend that is shorter than she is, right?

On Sunday we had dinner at Troy's mom's house with some of his family.  Stockton, of course, got to hunt eggs again.

This is my attempt to get a good "brothers" picture.  Not much of a success, but I tried. 

 And, as if I have not eaten enough Easter candy already, we got a package in the mail from my Mom today with lots of Easter goodies.  Stockton was really excited to see more candy.  His Weema sure does a good job of spoiling him, even from far away.  Thanks WeeMa!

Self Re-Discovery

Its been almost a year since we moved to Idaho.  I know, can you believe it?  The year has had its share of ups and downs as anyone would expect after moving away from your family, having a second baby, and starting a new life in a new place.  Recently I have been reflecting a lot on these changes and trying to realize why, despite turning our lives upside down, I feel happier than I have been in a LONG time.  Two things in particular really got me thinking lately, one was a talk with my sister about how much I am growing to like Idaho and why, and the other was looking at a "friends" Facebook profile.

While my sister was visiting last week, she asked me how I felt about us moving and how things were going.  I was telling her that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.  The word I kept coming back to over and over was that I just feel so FREE.  I just feel like I am more able to be myself here, but I couldn't really pinpoint specifically WHY.  That leads me to the Facebook profile...I was looking through my "friends" recent pictures they posted and everything about them was just so...perfect...a little too perfect.  Almost freaky perfect.  It got me thinking about how my life from the outside could never look like those pictures, not even if I tried my very hardest on my very best day.  Everything thing about them was beautiful, the way their house was decorated.  To say "the way their house was decorated" just scratches the surface, I mean every room was perfectly tidy with every inch meticulously decorated and themed, there were no dirty dishes or junk piles. The backyard was perfectly groomed with a fancy swing set and green grass. Everything down to the front porch pillows, that's right, even the front porch pillows whispered perfection.  The kids were perfectly groomed in every picture with coordinating clothes and equally coordinating accessories.  The mother was beautiful, skinny and perfect only months after having had a baby; perfect makeup and styled hair.  The photographs themselves were crystal clear and professional looking like they had been taken with one of those fancy $1000 cameras.  After looking through all of the pictures, instead of feeling bad about myself and a little jealous of their life like I would have in the past, I just felt exhausted.  And I just wondered what is her life really like?  How much time and energy and work does it take everyday for her life to be that perfect?  And, is having that perfection everyday what really makes her happy?  If it is, then that's great, really it is.  We should all do what brings us joy and makes us happy each day.  But that life is not it for me.  And I realized that moving to Idaho has helped me be OK with that.

I don't feel the pressure anymore to keep up on all the latest and greatest home decorating/crafting ideas and hobbies.  Like how to create the perfect Easter centerpiece for your table like so and so, how to make a wreath out of streamers like so and so, how to make cupcake wrappers like so and so, and blah blah blah.  The truth is, my house will never look like it does on "that blog", I don't have the desire or the money.  And guess what, I dont think my house is so out of style, it might not be hip, but its comfortable.

I don't feel the pressure anymore to make friends with a certain group in our ward or neighborhood.  The truth is, if I am myself, not trying to fit in, then my group of friends, the ones that really like me for me, will naturally form itself.  And guess what, thats exactly what has happened since I have been here.  I feel like I have met people that I will be great friends with for a long time.  People that I honestly feel like I can be myself around, not the Utahnized Arin, but just Arin.  And people that like us just as much as we like them, I think anyways.  Also, instead of hoping that "that group" will take me in, I have focused on trying to bring people together and have everyone be a part of the group.  In return, I have made friends with a broad range of people with lots of different interests.  They may not all turn out to be my go-to friends that I call on a moments notice, but they all have great things to offer and I enjoy being around them.

I don't feel the pressure to have a perfectly clean house and perfectly groomed children all the time.  The truth is, it doesnt matter how many times I mop my floor, its just going to be sticky and crumby again in a matter of minutes, sometimes even seconds.  So why stress out about it?  As long as my house isn't disgusting and its comfortable and welcoming, that's enough for me.  The truth is no matter how many times I wipe my boys' faces they are still going to have dried snot, chocolate, or their breakfast on it all day.  And anyone who knows Stockton knows that no matter how many times a day I comb his hair, it is still going to be stringy and frizzy.  The important thing to me is that they are happy and that they feel loved everyday by their parents.

I guess what I am getting at is it takes alot of time and effort to have a picture perfect life.  And it seems like in order to have everything be so perfect, something has to be sacrificed.  Whether its money, time, or meaningful relationships.  I would rather spend the day chasing Stockton around the house, hearing him learn to talk, watching Logan figure out how to crawl and get into everything, waste the day talking to Troy about everything and nothing, building meaningful friendships, going on a walk, or reading one of the many books on my list.  I don't want to spend all of my time making my life look perfect when all I am really doing is missing out on everything that actually makes it perfect.  So, Amy, to answer your question, moving to Idaho has helped me to do that and that is why I like it so much here.

A Mover and a Shaker

Logan is officially on the move now and has been for almost 2 weeks now.  I am glad b/c it makes it so much easier for him to be entertained.  He has been wanting to go for a long time and was getting pretty frustrated, now he putters around and plays without feeling abandoned.  Now that he has mastered crawling, he is already moving on to pulling himself up on everything so he can start to walk.  This is especially annoying in the bathtub.  He doesnt understand that,
A) he hasnt quite mastered the "pull yourself up" technique, and
B) the bathtub isnt the best place to practice.
I pretty much have to have one hand on him at all times in the bathtub to avoid him dunking himself every 30 seconds.  I guess I can't say I wasnt warned, this kid has been moving almost non stop from the time I felt his first kicks.  The only time I can get him to sit still is when I rock him before naps and bedtime.  It is these times that I just want to hold him and never put him down.  It is those moments that he makes up for being such a rascal.  And just by being so cute.