I have been feeling a little unmotivated lately. Well, pretty much hopeless, as a matter of fact. I have been thinking alot about where I am in my life, the road that led me here, and where it is I really want to be. Let me first clarify that I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts sometimes. I have a husband that, even though life and relationships are hard, I know we were supposed to end up on this journey together. I have 2 boys that if I could freeze them in time and re-live the same day with them over and over again, I would be happy until the end of time. But sometimes I feel like they are all I have. Now, I know what you are thinking, "Of course you have so much more, you have a beautiful home, great friends, financial security, and the knowledge that you are a Beloved Daughter of Heavenly Father, blah, blah, blah...." I can recognize all of these things and I get it that that should all be enough. I should be happy that I have "won" this game of life that destiny set me up to fail at, but lately what I always considered to be a success has felt more like a failure.
I didn't grow up feeling like I had limitless potential to succeed in life. Most of my adolescent life I felt like I would be a considered a success if I made it through my teenage years without getting pregnant, ending up addicted to drugs, and living in a trailer the rest of my life. The guidance that I did receive from family influences, church leaders, and outside examples made me believe that my best route was to grow up, find a good guy, get married, have children, buy a nice house, make money, and live happily ever after. I never realized that I could actually do whatever it is was that I WANTED to do. I could join the Peace Corp and serve others all over the world for years before even thinking about getting married. My husband and I could bypass getting a "good" job, buying a house, and joining the same rat race as the rest of the world and live all over the world for free on farming communities where we learn all the skills necessary to be self-sustaining while being enriched by the people we come in contact with. I could go to school, learn about something I ENJOY, and actually get paid to do it! The only thing I ever knew that I wanted to do and believed that I would actually be good at it was be a Mother. I am doing that and I LOVE it, but I realize that there is so much more that I could be doing and so much about my life that I could change to make it my own dream come true. I just feel like I am in too deep in this life that we have created for ourselves that doing what we actually WANT to be doing is just too hopeless. Or maybe I am just not willing to give up who I am to become who I want to be and I just need someone to blame for that. Maybe I should just be content with what I have achieved in life, do what I can to improve it, and teach my boys that they really can do whatever it is they want, they can be whoever they want to be and their success will be my success. Hopefully if I can successfully teach them that message, that will fill up this nagging sense of failure inside of me. Or maybe, one day, I will fill it up myself by discovering my place in the world, figuring out something I am actually good at it that will inspire or help those around me and that will make me feel content and valuable. But not tomorrow. Thursdays are floor cleaning days, I won't have time for anything else.
9 comments:
:)Yes I know that feeling of freezing the moments. If we could do that you would still be that sweet baby girl on my life. my age 29...but we can't and life goes on ;)I remember when I was about 23-24 hearing someone say to look at the world as a big garden. now step out into it. I can plant beautiful things for the world to have, to leave it a little better than when I arrived, for someone else to enjoy later. or you could neglect the garden of the world and do nothing with it let it grow in weeds that choke out all lifes beauty. you have won you have followed your heart now follow our dreams. just don't forget there is a very big garden :) to leave your mark. I can give you this fact there is no greater job than being a mother. just be sure to give them the tools they will need to tend the garden. when you see it come back to you. you will know you did your best if you made it better I love you
Just remember that kids grow up. Yours are little now and it feels like they will be little FOREVER. And yes, you do have about 2 good decades of giving up some dreams to raise them. BUT then you probably have 5 decades left to dump the house and go out and do whatever you want to do. It's just a matter of being patient and planning well so that when your kids do grow up you can leave and do something completely different. It's that whole time and season thing. Don't blink, because it will be upon you before you know it. Just one dream at a time. :)
First, I think we were the same embryo in heaven that got split in two. Your alter-life is so similar to some of my alter-life.
I "ditto" everything Heatherlyn said. There's a season for everything.
However, one thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is that maybe there is time for a little something else right now. If you feel like doing some kind of work on the side would help you be happier, do it - cause everyone knows the happiness of your family depends on a happy momma.
And I know that's overwhelming, like "Yeah, right. How'm I supposed to get a job (or volunteer gig, etc.)? First, I have to figure out what I'd even be interested in doing. Do I have the qualifications? Where do I get the time to get the qualifications? Or even the time to THINK about any of this seriously? Who will take care of the boys?" But...we make time for the things that are important. Where there's a will, there's a way. For me, I know it's a little less time on facebook and pinterest, and actually doing some research. It really comes down to managing my time better. "Busier" always makes me happier, but with my freedom as a stay-at-home mom, it's hard to remember that.
And try not to listen to contradicting voices that purport to know what's best for you. Give yourself a little credit - YOU know what's best for you. (Maybe that doesn't apply to anything you're feeling - it's just something I've figured out lately. Because I'm in the boat you are - I am where I am because I was told it was the path to take, and I listened. Just like you, I love my family so much it's painful; and yes, it's rewarding and I see its value, but it is not the path I would have chosen, at least not this early in life.)
And finally....kudos to you for being honest and open on your public blog. It's gutsy and shows strength.
And I freaking love you!
P.S., I loved this: "I should be happy that I have "won" this game of life that destiny set me up to fail at..."
Hey Arin, I don't have many good words of advice, other than to say that I think you're great! I heard that the 3rd Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year for a lot of people. The excitement/busy-ness of the holidays is over, the holiday bills have all arrived, the weather is cold and dark, it's been long enough since New Year's to realize that your resolutions aren't working out like you hoped, yadda, yadda, yadda. Anyway, when I read that I thought that it was very true!
So, I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all--I'm just telling you that you're not alone, and you're normal to feel this way; and hopefully as the days get brighter, your outlook will too! I think I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and I always get in a bad funk in the winter. Hang in there and take each day at a time.
:)
May I make a suggestion? Write down all of the things you would like to do-a sort of "bucket list" to become the person you want to be. Now choose one that can be done at this stage of life and DO IT! When that's done, choose another one and DO IT! I've found when I follow this principle I'm much more "fulfilled" and then I can turn around and serve my family better. Remember you can't serve from an empty tray...every once in a while you need to put something on it.
When possible or practical, involve your children in it. Let them see you as your "real self". They will love and appreciate you for it and will hopefully understand from your teaching that they need to be true to their real self too, not beholden to some expectation of someone else. That's what being a mom is about. :)
P.S. Love your mom's comments!
Erin! I LOVE LOVE this post. Thank you for sharing.
I just wanted to clarify something I said toward the end of my other comment...This is exactly the path I would have chosen, just not as early in life as I did. I have it made. I want to clarify further but then it would turn into my State of the Sarah Address blog post from a while back.
Arin, I know this post is über old, am I'm totally poppin up on here randomly, blast from the past. But coming from someone who grew up with you, I'm so proud of you. Also, the grass isnt always greener. I have a career doing what I love (kindergarten) I'm unmarried and free to do anything that I want at anytime, but all I long for is a family. To be married and be a mom. I want everything you have... So see its all about perspective. It makes me so happy to see your blog, your photos and your kiddos, you deserve every bit of it!!!
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