My Scariest Moment, So Far.

We thought we lost Stockton at the park last night.  No seriously, for about 2 minutes, we really thought he was gone.  It was hands down the most terrifying 2 minutes of my life.  Even though he wasnt actually lost, I havent been able to shake the panic out of mind.  We were attending a BBQ with a pretty big group of people at a park we  were unfamiliar with.  After dinner, all the adults were hanging out eating a little more while the kids played on the playground about 25-30 yards away.  After 10-15 minutes, I glance over and dont see Stockton's green shirt so I decided to stroll over just to check on him.  As I am walking over, I still dont see him.  I get to the playground, still dont see him.  I start to get a little nervous, so I check in all the tunnels, still no Stockton.  I decide to scan the perimeter of playground and when I dont see him, I start to get a little nervous.  I yell back to Troy that he isnt on the playground and to get up and start looking for him.  I continue to walk past the playground to see if maybe he went to play in the dirt of the BMX track even though I know it is not in Stockton's nature to wonder.  When I see that he is not on the outskirts of the track, I got very nervous, and as Troy put it, my Mommy radar went off in full force.  I am starting to panic and yell back at Troy to do something!!!  At this point, the rest of the adults have realized what is going on and immediately start to blanket the entire area.  It is amazing how just seeing this play out a million different scenarios can play through your mind in a matter of 10 seconds.  For example, I imagined that someone had him in the bathroom, doing who knows what, and that Troy, along with the 10 other men with us, were going to find him and literally beat the living daylights out of the pervert that would do such a thing.  Or that Stockton has wondered near the busy street and someone just pulled over and picked him up and was who knows where, doing who knows what.  In an instant I felt 100% helpless and terrified.  By this time, I have entered Stage 1 of Arin's Meltdown Mode.  I start to run across the street to see if, by the grace of God, he had merely wandered over to check out the neighboring park.  My friend, Sara, followed and just as she was about to call 911, I hear them all yelling that they have him.  The relief I felt in that instant is indescribable. The tears stopped fairly quickly, but I swear my heart is still beating faster than it should be and my hands are literally shaking while I type this.

It turns out he was on the playground the entire time.  The sneaky little bugger.  I dont know how all of us missed him.  And while he was, in reality, no danger whatsoever, that doesnt make the experience I had any less real.  You can roll your eyes and call me dramatic, but for about 5 minutes, I was CERTAIN my 2-year old was gone and I was CERTAIN someone had taken him and I dont ever want to re-live that experience again.  I can empathize on a whole new level with parents who actually really do have to live that nightmare.  Me and Troy both agreed that if something like that really did happen, neither us would know what to do with ourselves.  I honestly think I would be suicidal.    Now I dont want want this to be some cheesy post about "hug your kids a little tighter" and I am not trying to get any special attention, I really don't know what I want this post to be.  I guess I just wanted to document what happened and maybe hope that it helps me to stop being so freaked out by it.  It has definitely been a good reminder to me just how precious he is and how devastating it would be if something were to happen to him or Logan, I can't even think about it....

Even on my worst day.

Today has been one of those days where you wonder how, as a Mother, you maintain a normal level of sanity day in and day out.  The boys were both especially whiny.  Stockton was extra rough with his baby brother and Logan just fussed and cried for no good reason.  Well, I am sure he had a reason, I just didnt know what the heck it was.  And to make matters worse, I was not in the best of moods.

Unrelated to the annoyances of the day, my cousin has been talking about coming to Idaho for a quick vacation. She called me today to talk about things to do here and dates that would be good to come and all of that fun stuff.  I don't know about you, but for some reason when I get on the phone it seems like all hell breaks loose and the boys think it is a red flag to run wild and do whatever they want.  This particular cousin has no shame admitting that she isn't a big fan of kids, in general, and has no desire to have children of her own.  After about the 3rd time yelling at Stockton to get off of his brother I joked that maybe she was on to something not having any kids.  After a few comments back and forth about the so called "joy" that comes with having children, we both agreed that is was good that she knew ahead of time that it was not something that she wanted to do, rather than regretting it after it was already too late.

I have been thinking about that brief part of our conversation all night.  I wish more women were smart enough to recognize that ahead of time, rather than just starting a family out of obligation, pressure, or stupidity.  After having children of my own, there are few things that make me more sad than thinking of children who aren't wanted, either before they were conceived or after they were born.  I seriously get sick to my stomach, want to throw up sad when I think about all the children who don't get the love and attention that they deserve because they aren't wanted.  I don't mean to say that if my cousin ever had children that she wouldn't be a great mother, or that she wouldn't love and want her children.  Our conversation merely reminded how much I WANT to be a Mother. How much I want to be Stockton and Logan's Mother.  Even on my worst day.